Those are the words Amanda Owen never imagined she would speak — not as a mother of nine, not as the Yorkshire Shepherdess millions adored, and definitely not as the woman who once held a family, a farm, and a television empire together with nothing but grit.
But after her 22-year marriage to Clive collapsed, Amanda didn’t just fall apart emotionally.
She spiraled into a secret breakdown so severe that her children feared they might lose her — and Clive admits he woke up some mornings unsure whether she’d still be alive.
⭐ A FARM THAT LOOKED PERFECT — UNTIL THE TRUTH EMERGED
To viewers, Ravenseat remained the same: stone walls, wild winds, muddy boots, laughing children.
Behind closed doors, Amanda’s world was disintegrating.
The split from Clive in 2022 didn’t just end a marriage — it triggered a chain reaction she now calls a “cataclysmic collapse.”
Anxiety. Depression. Paranoia. Agoraphobia.
And the most dangerous of all: a violent eating disorder that took her to the brink.
“I just shut down,” she admits.
“I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to exist.”
⭐ THE NIGHT SHE COLLAPSED IN BLOOD
One Valentine’s evening, Amanda vomited blood and crumpled to the floor.
Another day, she blacked out gathering sheep — miles from anyone who could help her.
Clive, who had once been her partner in everything, watched her fade in front of him.
“There were nights I genuinely feared she wouldn’t see morning,” he says.
The woman who had birthed nine children, run two farms, and worked through storms that would break most people… was disappearing.
⭐ THE AFFAIR THAT POURED FUEL ON THE FIRE
Her brief relationship with web designer Rob Davies made her tabloid prey overnight.
Paparazzi circled.
Strangers judged her weight.
Trolls called her “a bag of bones.”
Her teenage daughter Edith now deletes hateful comments before Amanda can see them.
“It’s like having a post-mortem before you’re dead,” Amanda says.
Raw. Honest. Terrifying.
⭐ HIDING IN SHEEP PENS TO ESCAPE THE WORLD
During the darkest months, Amanda sometimes fled to the sheep pens at night — sitting alone in the cold, shaking, unable to face people or herself.
The farm that made her famous became the place she hid from her own life.
Her body was failing.
Her mind was fractured.
And her family feared the next collapse could be fatal.
⭐ THE TURNING POINT
Medical intervention — and finally, Amanda admitting she needed help — changed everything.
“I’m out of the woods now,” she says softly.
“But it nearly took me.”
Therapy.
Support.
Space.
They saved her life.
⭐ TWO HOMES, ONE FAMILY — AND A NEW KIND OF PEACE
Today, Amanda lives in a cottage near Ravenseat.
Clive remains at the farm.
The kids drift freely between houses.
No custody schedules.
No boundaries.
Just survival turned into stability.
“Space saved us,” Amanda admits.
“Living apart was actually a blessing.”
They still argue — about toilet rolls, bottles of Fairy Liquid, chaos — but beneath that, the bond remains unbreakable.
⭐ NOT DATING — AND HELPING HER EX DATE
In a twist only the Owens could pull off, Amanda isn’t dating…
Clive is.
And she even buys Christmas presents for his girlfriend.
Her happiness now is quieter:
A stable mind.
A healthier body.
A second chance at life she almost didn’t get.
⭐ THIS CHRISTMAS, SHE WON’T BE PERFECT — BUT SHE’LL BE ALIVE
The Owen Christmas will be its usual chaos: missing chairs, half-plucked turkey bought at auction, kids feeding animals before presents, someone sitting on a milk churn.
And in the middle of it all — Amanda.
Still healing.
Still fragile.
But still here.
“We’re not perfect,” she says.
“But we’re here. And that’s everything.”